1. Never go to bed mad.
My dad would always tell me "Your mom and I have never gone to bed mad, but we have had our fair share of sleepless nights". It sounds like good advice at first, but there is a very real and very practical reason why it doesn't work at least in our marriage. I'm mean when I'm tired. Plain and simple. Anything that comes out of my mouth after 8pm can fit perfectly in to 1 of 2 categories. 1. Mean. or 2. Not Quite English. Sometimes it's a bit of both. Add in high emotions and frustration and you might as well issue a storm warning and possibly find a translator. Now I know that the bible says to "not let the sun go down on your anger" and again, that's good advice. However I think we take that verse to mean we can't sleep until we are done being angry but what I think that verse is really telling us is to not go to bed until you've given your anger to God. And guess what? 10/10 times when I fall asleep in the middle of a disagreement with my husband, I wake up not mad. Then we can work out a solution to the initial problem over coffee, and blankets, and hugs because waking up is already hard enough on its own. So bottom line don't stay up til 4 in the morning fighting just because you're "not going to go to bed mad" instead, go repent- pray about it- give it to God and then get some rest.
2. One person is called to make the money, the other is called to make dinner.
False. You're called to make a life together. Preferably with as little stress and debt as possible. We've tried to do the gender specific role thing and it was nice for a while. Until we learned that our specific roles couldn't help us predict a layoff or a lawsuit. You are called to make goals and dreams and success together. Whatever that looks like for you, for us right now it looks like working whatever jobs we can to keep sane, have enough money to buy coffee and still make it to church. Because it's never mattered how much money we have, when we were doing well financially but community-less and church-less we just felt poor.
3. All you need is a shared faith and sense of values.
True. But a shared sense of humor is also crucial. Don't take yourself too seriously. Be able to laugh at yourself after falling into the left open toilet seat at 2 am, even after the 100th time... not bitter.
4. All you need is Love.
False. Love is nice but forgiveness is better. Because when your husband just had a friend commit suicide the same week he got laid off and he's cold and shut off and depressed he's going to say some stupid crap. And I guarantee he's going to piss you off in that season. Or at the very least, hurt your feelings. In which case you might find it hard to "love" him in those seasons. While you should still try, you won't get far without forgiveness. Un-forgiveness is you telling God that you don't trust Him enough to handle the situation. And that's not good for anyone.
5. As a woman, you have to get creative about sharing your ideas so the man thinks it was really his.
Ew. Just stop. I've attended far too many bridal showers and women's bible studies where they share tips and tricks and joke on how to "get your way". I'm sure this concept somehow came from the whole "women are to be silent" or the "women are to submit to their husbands and not make any decisions about anything ever" theology but here's why it's not only annoying but ineffective (at least in my marriage) 1. Matt doesn't respond to manipulation. Period. If he thinks your being passive aggressive or manipulative he tunes you out. Men respond to respect. 2. Men don't think like women. Which is probably why they get offended way less. For instance lets say I have this idea that we need a new car. If I say "boy, I love the car you bought me. It's perfect! Except I wish it got good gas mileage." or "Hey! Wouldn't it be cool if we got a car that never leaked any fluid? I mean I'm totally happy with this one but I just have a hard time remembering which fluid goes where, so ya know maybe our next car won't leak. But don't worry I'm totally content with this one babe" He's going to tune me out because he either thinks I'm hinting at him to fix the fluids or that I just can't make up my mind if I like the car or not. But if I'm like "HEY! This car sucks! I don't like it, I can't reach the pedal and it freaking leaks everywhere. WE NEED A NEW CAR" It gets the point across much more efficiently and then he starts putting money away for a new car. It's what you call a win-win. and Reason #3. I have some damn good ideas. And Matt's okay with that. He's also okay making the final decision when my idea isn't as good as I initially thought it was. And he never puts me down in the process.
and last but not least.
You should take all of my advice super seriously and follow it to a T because I've obviously got this marriage thing down.
Just kidding. I still am figuring it out and hope to spend the next 60 years figuring it out. Take everything I say with a grain of salt and a sense of humor because I'm writing this at 3 in the afternoon still in my pajamas. I can't expect to be taken too seriously.
Here's some pics from our big day, as well as some in between. Mainly to show you I'm serious about the whole "Laugh at yourself" thing and also show you that I meant it when I said I have some damn good ideas. Like spending $15,000 on a car my husband couldn't fit into. =) Just kidding, that was a terrible idea and he took all idea privileges away for quite some time.
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