So I got corrected... sorta.

Remember those few women I told you about who I feel are responsible for much of my Christian walk just by being awesome?  Well, apparently not only are they super awesome but they also tend to be right about things, and also don’t mind telling me when I’m wrong about things. Believe it or not, I really like that about them.

So a few other conversations have taken place over the last couple of weeks to really get me thinking about my “Calling”. I feel like my calling is my Christian equivalence to my college major-in that it continually changes.

A while ago I thought it was my “calling” to disciple teenage girls, to speak into their lives and stop insecurity in its tracks so that they never fall victim to the oppression and guilt of giving away too much of themselves, or worse.

But later I found out that that’s kind of everyone’s calling. It is just part of being an adult, you have to impart your wisdom on the youth and give them better tools than you were given so that they can go farther than you. It’s not a job for one person; Jesus was very specific on how he wants everyone to treat the children.

Then about a year ago, I thought it was my calling to go to Colombia. Maybe even move there. Be a “full time missionary” (another one of the many christian terms the church should stop using) and do awesome things for God and spend my day in the tropics showing orphans the love of Christ, maybe adopt one or two, or 15.

Yet again I learned that’s kind of everyone’s calling. Not so much Colombia but the loving orphans thing. Jesus was also specific about that- and I don’t know if you noticed but we have a couple orphans here. Not just America here, like Astoria here.

So usually this is where I’d sit down and reconsider what I wanted my calling to be. I’d probably choose something else that seemed fun and easy and also involved warmer weather. But instead, I was approached by several different people- all of who don’t know each other by the way- telling me what they thought I was supposed to do with my ability to string words together. I mean, each one differed slightly in the capacity of what they had in mind but they all had one thing in common; speaking.  Like, in front of people and stuff.

Um, excuse me while I go pee my pants.

So, I told my friend about this and voiced to her my insecurities. Although I didn’t phrase them like insecurities; no, more like facts. Cold hard evidence as to why I should never speak in front of people.

“I’m not good at speaking, not only am I not good at it but I don’t like it”

“There are other people who are WAY better at it; really they should be the ones up there. People would listen to them”

“I have no right to tell women who have YEARS on me anything bible related, they should be teaching me”

“What if someone asked me a question, like about the Old Testament? I’d look like an idiot!”

I personally thought I had quite the case against the whole me speaking thing. She, however respectfully disagreed.  (I bet you didn’t see that coming, did ya?)

This is the“reader’s digest” of why she disagreed with my ever so persuasive facts.

 “Erin, remember when you came to me after Matt had proposed asking me all about marriage?”

I didn’t actually remember this conversation but she is pretty smart and good at being married so it sounded like something I would do.

“What if I told you not to marry Matt, and my reasons were:

You’re probably not very good at being married, somebody else might be better.

You might not like being married.

You have no right to get married! There are other couples out there who know way more about marriage- Let them get married!

Someone might ask you a question about marriage, and then you’d look like a real idiot!

Those would be pretty stupid reasons not to do it, wouldn’t they?”

Like I said, she’s pretty smart.

She went on to quote stories like that in Exodus 6 and Jeremiah 1. To remind me that bringing God glory is so much better than merely being good at something.

So did her little pep talk completely change my attitude? Not really.
Do I now feel an overwhelming urge to get up and talk to a bunch of people? Nope.

 But this is what I do know;

'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore, I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong."---(2 Corinthians 12:9-10)

It's the end of the world as we know it.....

So, I guess I should start this post off with a couple disclaimers.

1. Eschatology is not my expertise by any standard.
2. I don’t care what you eat.

There now that you’re probably thoroughly confused where this post is going, let me explain.

Last night I made a face book post that was supposed to be funny and light hearted but apparently came across slightly passive aggressive. Shocker. For those of you too cool for Facebook here is the post;

Oops almost forgot another day of thanks! I think this is day 4, But I’ve forgotten like 2 or 3 of them, so I’m not really sure; all I know is day 30 is a long ways off.

1. I'm thankful that my husband constantly demonstrates that I'm his #1 ministry, even if it means being at the church at 10 o clock at night because I was whiney/needy/annoying yesterday :-) 
2. I'm thankful for the abundance of pumpkin spice everything that's coming my way soon- and no, I don't really care if it uses real pumpkin or not. Jesus is coming back for me weather or not I eat HFCS.
3. I'm thankful for my church family. I know I already said this one but I saw a couple of posts this week that have made me that much more grateful for a church that not only teaches the bible accurately but focuses more on love and  less on shame.

You would think the offense would come from that statement basically saying that some of my Facebook friends don’t go to bible-teaching, love-doing churches. But no, it was the one about High Fructose Corn Syrup that got under peoples skin. Whatever.

I was referring to the article that’s gone viral all about how the big bad wolfs at Starbucks don’t actually use “real pumpkin” in their pumpkin spice latte and how all the naturalists are freaked out by it, while your typical college aged white girls (ahem) are just excited for the return of the deliciously over sweetened well caffeinated beverage. Now, here is where my second disclaimer comes in, I don’t care what you eat. If you only want to eat organic everything then be my guest, if you want to live off of Taco Bell and McChickens, then more power to you. I really don’t care. 

Now, for my first disclaimer, eschatology is not something I spend a ton of time talking about or studying. I’ve studied just enough to know that Jesus is going to at some point return, but first some stuff has to hit the proverbial fan. By the way if that sounds like you- save yourself a couple grand and don’t go to bible college. They will look at you like you have ten heads when you don’t know/care if you are pre-trib, mid-trib or post -trib and then spend the remainder of the semester trying to convince you of which category you should fall into. 

However, I do know that over and over in scripture we see people asking Jesus “When” and he over and over responds with “Don’t worry about when, just be ready”.  Maybe this is where my frustration comes in when I hear some well-meaning evangelist proclaim that the end is near. Not only is that a terribly optimistic thing to say, but one would think someone who knows enough scripture to know that some of the things going on today were predicted 2000 years ago would also know enough to be a little more “ready”. But alas, they are not. 

Remember the whole 2012 thing? How people thought that some how the Mayans had it all figured out with their cave-wall schedule? Or my personal favorite, in 1999 when the world was supposed to somehow just shut off due to a mere computer glitch? 

The point is, that more people are focused on predicting the “when” than they are on “being ready”. I honestly think that if we truly believed Jesus Christ could return any minute, any hour, any day we wouldn’t waste so much time on things that don’t matter. For example, what kind of chemicals are in our pumpkin spice latte, or sleeping in, exercising, climbing the corporate ladder, checking twitter, DIY-ing, saving money, investing, instagramming our meals and whatever else non-important things we fill our days with. Now, by no means are any of those things bad nor am I saying I’ve not done any of those. I’m saying that I see so many Christians, myself included, proclaiming that Christ’s return is right around the corner but then still living as if it’s not. 

You know this whole “it‘s the end of the world as we know it” thing isn’t just for believers, if it was that awful 158 minutes of the movie “2012” wouldn’t have made the millions it did. But to be completely honest, I think the non-believers are more at peace with the end of the world than most Christians are. Terrible theology, I know. I understand that the end of the world means a lot more to the Christian than to the unbeliever, but I also think we can learn a thing or two about the way the unbelievers have come to terms with it, and therefore live their lives in a disorderly “YOLO” fashion. 

So we know what the unbelievers would do if they knew the end of the world was right around the corner, but what about us? The ambassadors of Christ? What would we do if we knew our window of opportunity was rapidly slamming shut?

Would we actually start being the hands and feet of our local churches?

Would we erase the battle lines we’ve drawn between us and our gay friends and just spend the last couple days loving them?

Would we lay down our theological differences and doctrinal debates long enough to just join hands?

Or would we continue on in our own selfish pride and desire to be proven right? I’m afraid that too many of us would, now that the eschatology and revelation-esque debates would have taken on a new zeal.

The truth is, none of us know how it will go down. But I can take a wild stab in the dark that on the day that Jesus does come back for His bride we won’t be worried about who was wrong and who was right, instead the sight of our Beloved will be more than we can bear and we will be consumed with His glory. The same Glory that should be consuming our actions right now. 

So if these really are the last days, and everywhere we look we see proof of that then I suggest we start acting like it. That means laying down the things that will fade along with this world like our theology, pumpkin spice lattes, and other selfish desires- and instead come together hand in hand, ready for battle. Not a battle of right vs. wrong but rather a battle for the souls that are lost. Coming together in one accord, to see his Kingdom come, His will be done. So let’s do it.

I'm ashamed.

So I ordered a T-shirt from “Voice of the Martyrs” yesterday, if you don't know what that is visit www.persecution.com and learn about it. But as I read more about the organization and what they are up against and what a day in their walk with God looks like vs. what ours does, I couldn't help but feel ashamed. 

I’m ashamed that we complain about our level of comfort, while our brothers fight for their life for Christ’s name.

I’m ashamed of not taking the Bible more seriously when it told us this would happen.

I’m ashamed of the T-shirts, and the bumper stickers, and the fog machines, and the light shows, and the praise we look for in it all.

I’m ashamed that the Church has become the scariest place to “come out“, instead of the safest.

I’m ashamed that we are so quick to speak and so slow to listen.

I'm ashamed that instead of sitting at his feet, we're demanding to be recognized.

I’m ashamed of judging those I've deemed judgmental.

I’m ashamed that we've reduced the bible down to nothing more than a position paper, using it either for this, or against that.

I’m ashamed by our lack of love.

I’m ashamed of our failure to serve.

I’m ashamed that we live for those “convicting” sermons, but then never let them change us.

I’m ashamed at our selfishness and penny pinching, giving to Caesar what’s Caesars but giving that which is God’s to our own bank accounts, being more faithful to our 401k‘s than to the God who provided them.

I’m ashamed at how we can stumble through the day without prayer.

I’m ashamed that we complain about our government, flawed as it might be we’re not being persecuted by it. I’m ashamed that we’re not more grateful for that.

I’m ashamed that we’re not more grateful, period. 

I’m ashamed that we think tweeting a scripture or two is a reasonable response to the great commission.

But, I’m not ashamed of the Gospel.

I’m not ashamed of the scandalous news first spoken by a Palestinian teenager, whose willingness to be used by God shattered the proud and lifted up the humble.

I’m not ashamed of the Carpenter who soon became known for his counter-cultural ways and long stories. Who restored sight to the blind, life to the dead and mercy to the undeserving.

I’m not ashamed of his crazy clan of tax-collectors and zealots.

I’m not ashamed of the prostitutes he made friends with, or his challenges to the religious.

I'm not ashamed of a rescuing Grace that dries my tears with hope.

I’m not ashamed of His backwards reality that calls the poor privileged, blessed, full while calling the rich cursed.

I’m not ashamed of the good news that we don’t have to wait around for the right Political leaders, or a better government because there is a Kingdom growing in and around us, who welcomes all to the table.

I’m not ashamed of the refreshing truth that Jesus is Lord, and Caesar is not.

I’m not ashamed that when God walked among us he rode a donkey, not a war horse. That he defended the defenseless, laughed with the children, cracked jokes about religion, obeyed his mom, forgave his enemies, and loved his neighbor.

I’m not ashamed of the great witnesses on the path alongside of me, making meals, giving rides, showing compassion, leading by example, loving well, teaching children, serving faithfully, those who work hard and fail sometimes, all because of the Grace they've been given and the overwhelming need to share the story that sets both the oppressed and oppressors free.

I’m not ashamed of the Church, she is a survivor. The stubborn bride she is, a work in progress to say the least but they say not even the gates of hell will be able to prevail against her, so I guess we should stop hedging bets.

I’m not ashamed of the One who died for all of it, and by doing that liberated us of our need to be ashamed.

I'm not a "Sinner saved by grace"

Okay, we've all heard Christians say it and if we are honest we've probably said it ourselves once or twice "I'm just a sinner saved by grace". You've probably said it to your unbelieving friends to make it seem like you guys are the same, both sinners just one has found the redeeming love of Christ.

I'm sorry to be a bubble burster and probably a button pusher, but that is just not true.

I don't see the bible ever referring to followers of Christ as sinners, in the present tense. Actually it calls them something quite different. You've sinned, yes- but God doesn't call you a sinner. No, he calls you a saint.

I absolutely 100% believe that Christ died for us while we were still sinners. But I think it's an insult to the Cross to think that he died for us so that we could remain sinners.

Paul refers to himself as the foremost of all sinners, needing salvation that much more. Then in James it does talk about sinners, but it's specifically referring to people who have walked away from The Lord and are currently practicing and choosing sin.

So if Jesus Christ, the foundation and perfect example of this Christian walk, never calls those who love him "sinners" why should we?

One thing that seems to be an ever growing trend in Christian culture is to show false humility. As if that's somehow going to win people to Christ. Think about it; is it the humility of Christ that draws us to him or the power of Christ? I am not saying humility is a bad thing or even that we should overlook or downplay Christs humility; but honestly was it the idea of a helpless babe in a manger that won you over to Christianity? Or was it His power to not merely make bad people good but take it a step further and make dead people alive? What good does it do for the kingdom to cling to the exact identity the cross has redeemed you from?

I can't help but think that we desperately have this whole saint vs sinner thing confused, and here is proof;

"My dear children, I write this to you so that you will not sin. But if anyone does sin we have one who speaks to the father in our defense-- Jesus Christ" 1 John 2:1

Or how about this one;

"And having been set free from sin have become slaves to righteousness"- Romans 6:18

Think about that; let that trip you out for a minute.

Not only are we not called sinners but we have within us the power to never sin again.

Now by no means am I saying that Christians are perfect, or that we should be. But just by putting your trust in The One who has never sinned, you have been given access to that freedom. So by saying your a sinner saved by grace your completely depriving yourself of the power freely given to you.

I think Paul said it best "But if, in our endeavor to be justified in Christ, we too were found to be sinners, is Christ then a servant of sin? Certainly not!”- Galatians 2:17

Certainly not.

There's a place for you at the table

So this actually isn’t what I was going to write about today, but I was going through some old journals and sermon notes and I came across a page that just said;

2 Samuel 9:3-5 – Blessing someone can turn bitter things, into beautiful things.

That caught my attention. Now, granted it probably was the start of a Rich Wilkerson Jr podcast that I forgot to finish, since it’s not exactly common for me to willingly read an Old Testament story much less like, understand it. So I decided to go back and actually read 2 Samuel 9.

Here’s what it says:

 David asked, "Is there anyone remaining from Saul's family I can show kindness to because of Jonathan?" There was a servant of Saul's family named Ziba. They summoned him to David, and the king said to him, "Are you Ziba?" "[I am] your servant," he replied.  So the king asked, "Is there anyone left of Saul's family I can show the kindness of God to?" Ziba said to the king, "There is still Jonathan's son who is lame in both feet."  The king asked him, "Where is he?" Ziba answered the king, "You'll find him in Lo-debar at the house of Machir son of Ammiel." So King David had him brought from the house of Machir son of Ammiel in Lo-debar.  Mephibosheth son of Jonathan son of Saul came to David, bowed down to the ground and paid homage. David said, "Mephibosheth!" "I am your servant," he replied.  "Don't be afraid," David said to him, "since I intend to show you kindness because of your father Jonathan. I will restore to you all your grandfather Saul's fields, and you will always eat meals at my table." Mephibosheth bowed down and said, "What is your servant that you take an interest in a dead dog like me?" (2 Samuel 9:1-9 HCSB)

Okay so here it says that Mephibosheth was lame in both feet, but it never tells you what happened to him to make him lame in both feet. So like any super holy, well rounded, bible knowledge seeker does, I googled it.

“2 Samuel 4:4- Saul's son Jonathan had a son whose feet were crippled. He was five years old when the report about Saul and Jonathan came from Jezreel. His nurse picked him up and fled, but as she was hurrying to flee, he fell and became lame. His name was Mephibosheth .  

Thanks google.

So here is what we know about Mephibosheth:

-He was destined to be King, but because someone else messed up, he lost that destiny.
-He literally lives in a land that name means “Pasture-less”, “Dead Land”, “Dried Up”, “Discontent”

-He was crippled in both feet, because someone else failed him.

I think the coolest part of this story is David’s response to Mephy by saying he always has a place at his table, and by bringing him out of Lo-Debar and restoring to him all he had lost what David is actually saying is “What they did TO you has nothing to do with what I want to do FOR you.” So many times in our lives we blame the short-falls of others in our lives for not fulfilling our calling. But we have a King who doesn’t even acknowledge what’s been done to us, all He says is “Go get them, and bring them to me. They have a place in my palace and my kingdom, always”.

This story was probably a good one for me to read as far as Old Testament goes because 1. It doesn’t involve poop coming out of anyone’s belly button and 2. It is the Gospel personified.

The "God will never give you more than you can handle" myth

By now you’ve probably learned that I have a pet peeve with Christian cliché’s and the ever annoying Christian-isms. If you haven’t learned that yet then keep following this blog, I promise I have a long list of them.

Like this one, “God will never give you more than you can handle”. I’m not sure when it became a “Christian cliché” for me. I also can’t remember when I realized that it wasn’t biblical; I mean it sounds scripture-y, right? I know that I have quoted this to a hurting friend, and even to God in prayer as if somehow reminding him of a promise he never made is going to work to my advantage.  

In the midst of the Robin Williams tragedy I’ve thought about this one a lot. I’m sure some well-meaning individual at some time in Robin’s life told him this. I’m sure it gave him hope for a moment, but then when reality hit again that he actually was given more than he could handle, all hope was lost.

Therein lays my problem with this quote. By saying God will never give us more than we can handle essentially what we are saying is that God will give us things we can handle in our own strength.

 What we should say is “God will never give us more than HE can handle.”

The verse commonly associated with this quote is in 1 Corinthians 10:13 No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man. God is faithful, and he will not let you be tempted beyond your ability, but with the temptation he will also provide the way of escape, that you may be able to endure it.”

The key word there is “temptation”. Not struggle. Not hardship. Not pain. Not suffering. Not loss. 

The other part of this scripture that seems to get looked over when it’s used to defend this quote is that God is the one who provides the way of escape. Our ability to not be overtaken by temptation depends on us finding and utilizing this exit door that HE provides.

I don’t want to believe the lie that there is some sort of glass ceiling on suffering. There isn’t, and we greatly diminish God’s power when we insist that there is. If choosing to not believe this lie means that I’m accepting that at some point God will allow me to go through such suffering that I feel buried under the weight of it with my only “way of escape” being His strength, then I'm okay with that.

“Beloved, do not be surprised at the fiery trial when it comes upon you to test you, as though something strange were happening to you. Instead, rejoice as you share in the sufferings of the Messiah, so that you may also rejoice with great joy at the revelation of His glory” 1 Peter 4:12-13

As a follower of Christ, I'd much rather have an abundant life, than an easy one. The word says that we come to know Christ by sharing in his suffering. I’d much rather say that I intimately know Christ because I’ve suffered than say I’ve only had struggles that I could handle on my own. One brings forth growth while the other only brings pride.

I Don't Like Jerks

Can I be really honest with you?

I've been a bit of a jerk lately.

You may not have noticed. People close to me may not have even noticed, but I know God noticed.

I know I've been a jerk lately because today I could tell my patience with my husband was out- yes out, not low, not running thin, it was non-existent, and he wasn't even awake yet. Poor guy.

So instead of risking saying something unkind to him and putting him in a foul mood before church where he had to go and try to serve and worship and minister and do life with other people -- I just left. I went to the church and tried to pray and worship and be holy. But I couldn't. I couldn't find the words to say or the songs that fit my mood so I just cried and then when I realized someone else (the pastor of all people) was in the church with me I quickly pulled myself together and distracted myself with my good friend "Pinny" (Pinterest). There is where I noticed the root of my jerkiness.

My friend pinned an adorable diaper bag on her "Coming Soon" board. Any normal human's response to this would be "Aww that's so cute!" Unfortunately, and much to my shame, that wasn't my reaction. I got really mad at her and started tearing apart the bag she chose and even tearing apart HER. Luckily she loves me and is rediculously holy and not only has forgiven me but also found my jerkiness hilarious. Because that's the kind of friends the Lord has blessed me with.

But in that moment it all made sense. I was being a jerk because with every baby announcement, every pink frilly dress and heaven knows with every "pin" I have created a diaper-bag sized gap between me and God.

I read an article called "10 ways to not be a jerk" a couple days ago before I had really noticed my jerkiness but I remember a quote in there that stuck out to me. The list more or less was the difference between humility and pride, and while most of the list convicted me one thing on there broke me.

"Proud people are concerned with the consequences of their sin; humble people are grieved over the root cause of their sin"

My jerkiness was because of my pride, which ultimately came out of my insecurities which came from my attitude towards God for not giving us a child even though we have tried and prayed and drank all the gross tea we could handle.

When I ran to the church and hid my hurting from not only my husband but also my church family, I was being more concerned with the fear of them seeing my jerkiness than I was with anyone seeing my brokenness. I was more focused on the fact that I had given all the energy I had to my idol instead of giving all my praise to God. 

So am I saying that I have now mastered the art of humility? No.
Am I saying that I will never be a jerk again? Definitely not.
But am I saying I've repented and God has not only forgiven me, but also comforted me in this? Absolutley.

The commonly misunderstood "Proverbs 31" woman and why I don't like her.

Today I want to talk about my two favorite people... Men and Women.

Originally when I started this blog, I solemnly swore to myself that I was to at all costs, avoid this topic to avoid controversy and ultimately avoid the possibility to have someone disagree with me publically on the World Wide Web. So what changed my mind you might ask? Who knows, maybe it’s the excessive amount of caffeine I’ve had today, or the confidence that’s been spoken into me lately, or maybe just a healthy mixture of the two. Either way, I’ve recently decided that I don’t care if you disagree. Actually, I welcome it.

I had a conversation with a woman the other day. This lady is bright, funny, beautiful, and recently found a genuine love for the Lord. She is a single mother of several grown children and is now discovering a new season of her life where she wants to re-enter the dating world.

She started talking about this man she is seeing and some of the flaws she is learning about him. Long story short, she basically thinks he is controlling, overbearing, slightly creepy, a tad stalker-ish, demeaning, and disrespectful of her and her ability to make her own choices. Sounds like a real winner. Then she made a comment about the struggle of wanting a “Godly-man” but isn’t into the whole “being submissive” thing. It’s just not her style. She joked that the “proverbs 31” wife died in the 50’s. Then she stated that God didn't create her to be "virtuous" he created her to be independent, strong-willed, loud and untamed. She had made it “too far on her own to be told what to do”.

I could spend a whole other post talking about this “Godly-Man” she’s found, who apparently is so godly that he doesn’t need to read the bible anymore, because he has every verse memorized and also doesn’t need a church body because he’s holy enough to only need time with Jesus. But for time, and frankly my blood pressures sake, I’ll just focus on her.

The sad truth is that this strong woman is going through life believing the identity the world has spoken over her instead of cultivating the true person God created her to be.

I asked her what she thought “being submissive” means, she said it’s being controlled. I asked her if she believed that women are to submit to their husbands. She said, yes, as long as he’s submitting to the Lord. That’s what scripture says, after all.

I looked up the verse she was referring to right there; Ephesians 5:22 “Wives, submit to your husbands as unto the Lord”. The amplified version actually says it better; “Wives, place yourselves under your husbands' authority in the same way YOU have placed YOURSELVES under the Lord's authority”

I’m not only supposed to submit to my husband IF he’s submitting to the Lord, because that’s not my judgment to make. If he leads our family against God’s will, that’s his problem. Not to sound harsh, but he is the one who has to answer for it. Obviously I’m not talking about blatant sin, if he tells me to go kill a guy for money…. I’m going to have to politely decline, and then probably call the police. I’m talking about in day to day situations where he is following what he believes to be God’s will for our family.

I then asked her if she thought the husband should lead the household. She said, “absolutely, if he’s better at it. But usually women are better at making decisions.”

It was obvious that she was oblivious. She was so caught up in the comfort of the lies she’s convinced herself of that she wasn’t going to hear any sound biblical correction. One thing I’m good at is knowing when to shut up. Actually, I take that back. I’m not very good at it at all so I usually just remain shut-up’ed. Either way you want to look at it, I quit casting my pearls before swine.

I want to share with you some of the ways my husband leads me, in hopes that if you have the unfortunate misunderstandings that this lady has that it can help you see that being lead isn’t “being controlled” and it’s actually not at all what the world will try to tell you it is.

He is undoubtedly, every time, without question the first to apologize, even if I was in the wrong. He is the first to seek reconciliation.

He has never once raised his voice to me.

He tells me, and then shows me, that our marriage is his number one ministry

He knows when to be firm with me without ever demeaning me, fathering me, or patronizing me.

He never speaks poorly of me.

He never speaks poorly of our marriage.

He never speaks poorly of marriage in general.

He attempts every single day to love me as Christ loves the church

He makes decisions with me and in prayer, not as some rogue agent.

He does not lead from a place of self-satisfaction or self-exaltation, but from a place of self-sacrifice.

He is almost always annoyingly patient and unbelievably kind.

He makes me feel safe and protected.

He never accuses me or brings up old wrongs.

He tells me he loves me again and again, and again, and again, and then again. (It's like he knows my love language is words of affirmation or something.)

He represents Christ’s love as best as he can and if he feels as though he’s fallen short he seeks forgiveness immediately.

I know it may sound like I’m bragging (and I might be a little bit) but I’m not at all saying my husband is perfect. Or that he makes perfect decisions every single time, because that's just not true. Okay, so the only times he really hasn’t made great decisions is the times he decided to let me make decisions, but that’s a different story. Anyways, he’s not perfect but he was created perfectly for me.

I want with everything that’s in me to break this feministic idea that women are weak if they are submissive, and that men are controlling if they take the lead.

Did you know that in Proverbs 31 where it talks about the “Virtuous wife, who can find?” The word “virtuous” that’s used there is actually the Hebrew word “Chayil” and that that particular verse is one of the only times it’s translated as “Virtuous”? Almost every other time it’s used it’s translated as Army (54 times) or Valor (37 times) or Might (21 times). In almost every other verse that it is used in it's associated with the strength one needs for battle. So this idea that women have to be weak, walked all over, church mice is not only annoying, it’s unbiblical.

Sure “Virtue” or “Moral Purity” as it’s defined, is important for character. But I think what the young Lemuel's mom is telling him to look for is a woman strong enough to go through all of life's battles with. What loving mother would tell her son to find a wife like the weak annoying doormat some well-meaning, but still incorrect, Christians created the “proverbs 31” wife to be?

I wasn’t able to change her mind; actually I wouldn’t really be surprised if she didn’t hear a word I said. I saw her eyes glaze over as soon as I pointed out what scripture actually says. Still, my prayer is that through the few words she might have heard of mine I planted a tiny seed of hope in her that she can still be this strong woman she is confident of AND still be deserving of a God inspired, Christ honoring, relationship.

Church isn't ever going to be easy.

First things first, my church family is amazing. Actually, I'm even going to be a little Pentecostal and say it’s glorious. What I mean by that is it's the first time in my Christian walk I’m seeing God show his Glory by allowing me to see others the way he see's them. It's not perfect, but it is the body of Christ expressing itself through people who are committed to loving, serving, worshiping and ministering with other people. With everything that is in me, I desperately want this to be how every Christian feels about the church family God has given them.

With that said, I still don’t like church. I am an introvert, and like any good introvert I avoid people. Naturally, I don’t try to. I just need space, and a lot of it. So church, a place where you can’t really avoid people, is difficult for me to genuinely enjoy. I don't like admitting that but I was faced with it  when I woke up last Sunday morning and didn’t want to go. I had no reason not to want to go, I love my church, I love the people in it, I love hearing how God speaks to my pastor, but I still didn’t want to go. So as I sat there pondering why that is and asking God why church has to be so hard I suddenly realized that there are obvious reasons why church is hard.

Church is hard because it’s made up of people.

Church is hard because like family, you can’t really pick the church. You can pick which particular building you go to- sure, but the body as a whole? No.

Church is hard because people are messy. Family is messy.

Church is hard because it forces us to be close to others, even when it's uncomfortable.

Church is hard not because God made a mistake in choosing us, but because we make mistakes.

Church is hard because we are the church, and in case you haven't noticed, we’re pretty screwed up.

I don’t think it’s a coincidence that the majority of letters in the New Testament are written to churches who are dealing with hard issues.  It’s written to people and churches who are screwed up. In Paul’s letter to Corinth he is not congratulating them on how well they are doing and how awesome they are, instead he’s writing to them saying “Hey, you know that guy who’s sleeping with his Dad’s wife? Uh, get rid of him” (1 Corinthians 5:1-2)

Church, comprised of people, is God’s plan A, and He's made it clear that there is no plan B.

God chooses to display himself through the broken, lowly, messy people that make up the church, and not only that but He knows we are broken, lowly and messy and still chooses to call us His bride. How foolish for me to question and even fight against how God chooses to display his glory.

So while being in a crowd of people may never be easy for me I can at least say this, when I bite the bullet and go to church even when it’s hard  I know that I'm not having to do it because God isn’t caring about what I care about, I'm doing it because I’m caring about what He cares about. And as long as I remember that, I can be comfortable anywhere.

(photo from flickr.com)