Confessions of a Prodigal Daughter

If you’ve been in church any amount of time, you’ve probably heard the term “prodigal son”. Which of course is referring to the parable in Luke 15, where a son leaves his father, squanders his inheritance and then realizes where he’s gone wrong and comes back to be re-united with his family.

I like to do word studies. I like to take note of words that stick out to me and see where they come from and what they mean in other languages. I decided to do this with the word “prodigal” after reading the story in Luke 15 earlier this week.

Now the word “prodigal” isn’t actually used in scripture, but we know what we are referring to when we use it. We typically use it when talking about someone who was close with God, and then walked away, but now is back in church.

After looking up the real meaning of the word “prodigal” it hit me, I am a prodigal daughter.

Yes, I had a season where I was struggling to understand the Christian life and after being exposed to a rather legalistic side of Christianity I decided that it wasn’t for me and I tried to find anything else that would fit me better. That didn’t get me anywhere so by God’s grace, I came back to Him, reunited and restored with a better understanding of what it means to be one of His Children. But, there’s more to it than that.

Prodigal: [prod-i -guhl] ;Adj.
       1. Giving or yielding with wasteful extravagance
       2. Spending money or substance recklessly

 So you see it wasn’t my return to the Father that makes me a “prodigal daughter”. It’s the fact that I recklessly wasted His riches. I took the gifts He gave me and wasted them, for my own purposes. What he intended to be used to further His kingdom, I squandered on the world.

For example, He gave me hope, and I lost it.

He gave me wisdom, and I ignored it.

He gave me love, and I refused it.

He gave me miracles, and I didn’t believe them.

He gave me healing, and I questioned it.

That’s what makes me a prodigal daughter.

But here’s what I know, your past does not determine your future. What you have done does not determine what you will do and when you realize the past has no power, then your future is filled with freedom. The story of the prodigal son doesn’t end when he wastes the gift he had been given, it ends when he repents.

Listen carefully.

“The only time you fail is the first time you stop trying”

I can’t tell you how many times I heard my mom say this to me.

I wished she was there to say it to me the other night. As I sat on my couch mindlessly scrolling facebook I came across a friend’s post that broke me. I took a risk and reached out to her. I told her about the series my church is going through all about overcoming overwhelming circumstances. I had already typed out directions to the church because I was so sure I had worded everything just right and she was going to be over joyed at the opportunity to hear someone speak encouragement in such a dark time in her life. Apparently, I was wrong. Obviously I hadn’t done such a great job because this was her response, “thanks, maybe I’ll think about visiting when I’m not so overwhelmed”

Okay, I complain that people don’t listen to me quite a bit but, seriously? I just told her that this was her ticket to not feeling overwhelmed. I gave her the opportunity to overcome being overwhelmed. When someone is sick do they say “Wow, I’m really sick.  I should go to the doctor when I’m feeling better”? No. They don’t, because that doesn’t make any sense.

I was frustrated. I started tearing myself apart. I’m just not good at talking to people about church, I probably should hold back because I don’t want people to think that my church is full of pushers. I’m really bad at wording things, I should have had Matt (who she doesn’t know by the way) talk to her. He is really good at that kind of stuff. I’m just going to mind my own business from now on.

I wanted to never reach out to someone hurting again. I wanted to protect myself from ever feeling rejected and ignored again so I decided that it must just not be my “gift”. I decided that I was going to let people who are really good at talking, do the talking. That if God wanted to say something to this person, he would have obviously used someone better.  

Then quieter than a whisper a thought popped into my head, it was quiet but it was clear. It said “That’s not My voice”.

It seems silly, but it was huge. It was a huge reminder.

It reminded me that like Paul, If I try to please man, I’m no servant of Christ.

It reminded me that Jesus also knows a little about rejection.

It also reminded me that, it’s not about me.

In that moment, in that still small voice, I found so much comfort. Actually I found more than comfort, I found freedom. I didn’t have to believe the lies the enemy tries over and over to convince me of. I didn’t have to listen to myself tear myself down. I just have to listen carefully for His voice .

After a couple moments of prayer, I couldn’t even hear the thoughts of failure. All I could hear were the truths that came from listening to His voice.

Later that night, I grieved over this person and what had been lost, but I also felt hopeful because I knew that God wasn’t done here. He wasn’t done with this person and their situation, and he wasn’t done with me. Rejection hurts, but it doesn’t mean you’ve failed.

We have a problem.

 “Believe what you want. These walls are funny. First you hate 'em, then you get used to 'em. Enough time passes and before ya know it, you depend on 'em.’”

Those who know me are shocked that I would start anything out with a movie quote. But this is a quote that’s always stuck with me. It’s from the movie “Shawshank redemption”. It’s a story of a man who spent so much time in prison that when he finally got out and lived in freedom, he took his own life because he only knew how to live in bondage. He was afraid of life outside the prison walls.

If fear can do that to a person, we've got a serious problem.

From the very beginning of the bible to the end, in minor tribulations and seemingly impossible crisis, God commands us “Do not fear”.

"Do not be afraid, Abram. I am your shield, your very great reward." (Genesis 15:1,)

The LORD said to Moses "Do not be afraid of him, for I have handed him over to you, with his whole army and his land…" (Numbers 21:34)

The LORD said to Joshua "Do not be afraid of them; I have given them into your hand. Not one of them will be able to withstand you." (Joshua 10:8)

Hearing this, Jesus said to Jairus, "Don't be afraid; just believe, and she will be healed." (Luke 8:50)

One night the Lord spoke to Paul in a vision: "Do not be afraid; keep on speaking, do not be silent." (Acts 18:9)

When I saw him, I fell at his feet as though dead. Then he placed his right hand on me and said: "Do not be afraid. I am the First and the Last." (Revelation 1:17)

So not only is living in a prison of fear unhealthy, it’s sin.

I think the biggest problem Christians today have with fear is that we disguise it as wisdom. We tell ourselves that it’s normal to be reserved in relationships. It's okay to not be generous or to hold back from serving others because it’s what’s “best” for us in this particular season. We think by doing that we are acting in wisdom, but that's just not true.

When I hold back from being vulnerable and open in a relationship I may think I’m “guarding my heart” or doing what’s best for me but what I’m really saying is “God, I don’t trust that you can use my weaknesses to strengthen this friendship”

When I stop myself from giving above and beyond I might think I’m being careful and a good steward of my finances but what I’m really saying is “God, I think I have a better way to spend this”

When I refuse to serve God or others I might think I’m looking out for my well-being and using my energy wisely but what my actions are really saying is “God, the talents you’ve given me aren’t good enough to actually put to use”.

When I say “I’m afraid of large groups” or “I’m afraid of letting someone get too close” or “I’m afraid of admitting my weakness” God is saying, “But I didn’t put that on you”. (2 Timothy 2:17)

I’m not just talking to you, I’m talking to me. I’ve been one to live in a prison of fear and get comfortable and even depend on the false safety that prison offered. Have you ever tried to control your fears? It’s like trying to hold a ball under water, no matter how long you fight, no matter which angle you come from sooner or later that ball will pop back up.

Over time certain circumstances,situations and emotions have taught us to rely on our own “fear habits”. Fear habits can be any decision or thought that isn’t grounded in faith. For instance, the habit of not opening up to others, the habit of putting ourselves first, the habit of doubting people’s hearts and intentions. You get the idea.

The fact of the matter is that fear is a strong emotion, it’s a strong problem. But we must understand that we have a stronger God.

We can only overcome fear but cultivating a culture of faith.

I’m still learning how to do this myself, but I think the first step is to decide that you will no longer believe the lie that fear can keep you safe, and instead believe that faith can set you free.

Choosing to base our actions out of faith instead of fear isn't saying we will always be perfectly protected but it is saying we have a Perfect Protector.

There's no half-way house here.

There’s a book I really want to read, but by the time I get slightly into it every time I’m too uncomfortable to continue reading. It’s a little hard to swallow.

It’s about following Jesus.

That’s it. It’s a “self-help” book if you will about how to follow Him, completely. It’s called “Follow Me” by David Platt; here’s a little excerpt from it to help you understand why it hits me where it hurts.

“…With good intentions and sincere desires to reach as many people as possible for Jesus, we have subtly and deceptively minimized the magnitude of what it means to follow him. We’ve replaced challenging words from Christ with trite phrases in the church. We’ve taken the lifeblood out of Christianity and put Kool-Aid in its place so that it tastes better to the crowds, and the consequences are catastrophic. Multitudes of men and women at this moment think that they are saved from their sins when they are not. Scores of people around the world culturally think that they are Christians when biblically they are not.”

Ouch.

Recently I met with a friend over coffee and she told me a funny story about her 3 charming little boys. She was telling them about the tough topic of Christians getting persecuted and the reality behind it. She told them of a country where these persecutors go door to door asking if you’re a Christian, if you say yes you lose your life.  She asked each one of her boys what they think they would do in the event that someone did this to them.

Samuel, the oldest responded “I’d confess to loving Jesus and let him shoot me; it’d be okay because I’d be with Jesus in heaven”

Benjamin, the middle boy firmly stated that he would knock that guy down, take his gun point it back at him and demand that he needs to love Jesus too.

Then, there’s Solomon. Solomon said he would tell the guy he didn’t love Jesus, but as the man turned to walk away he would say “I really love Jesus” under his breath.

It’s a pretty cute story but it really made me think. What would I do? For a moment I imagined myself being as courageous and hard core as Benjamin and winning the guy to Christ with my mad fighting skills. Then I remembered I’m 5’1 and have never actually learned any “take down” moves. Plus I’ve never held a gun so, there would be that complication. Maybe I’d be Samuel, I’d stand up for Christ and leave a legacy of faith. I would be known throughout our town for my boldness to proclaim Jesus and it would lead thousands to Him. But the more I thought about it, the more I realized…. I would be Solomon.

When I’m talking to my friends who don’t know Jesus and they briefly bring up religion, I usually just listen to their views, I might mention that I go to church but then as we walk away I whisper in my heart “I really love Jesus”.

When I see a friend falling away from the church and falling into sin I tell them I love them and I’m here for them. But I don’t quote the scriptures that they need to hear, I don’t offer to in that moment pray with them. I give them a quick hug and then as they walk away I comfort myself by reminding myself that “I really love Jesus”.

I can't say I have too many "Benjamin" type moments. I occasionally have "Samuel" moments in my life, but more often than not, my response  to God's call to follow Him is one out of fear and uncertainty.

I started this blog because I’m on a personal journey to fulfil the higher calling of Christianity. I realized a lack of motivation and honesty in my faith. I’ve subconsciously belittled salvation down to an intellectual assent. If I were to compare it to something, I would say I have been living in a half-way house. You know, those places you go to feel just safe enough before getting out on your own two feet. I’m not saying half-way houses are bad places, but there aren’t any in Christianity. We are called to leave our comfort zones, to leave what we our idea of safety and the work we think we should do in order to fulfill His work, and His Kingdom. We are called to surrender our own desires, our own securities for Him. There’s a song, called “Called Me Higher”. It's the reason my blog link is "called-me-higher" and it goes like this;

And I could hold on
I could hold on to who I am and never let You
Change me from the inside
And I could be safe
I could be safe here in Your arms and never leave home
Never let these walls down

But You have called me higher
You have called me deeper
And I'll go where You will lead me Lord
You have called me higher
You have called me deeper
And I'll go where You lead me Lord
Where You lead me
Where You lead me Lord

That is the ultimate cry of my heart. I want to go higher, and deeper and farther for Jesus. I want to follow him so closely that my only response to any situation is more like Samuels. It doesn’t matter what happens, what I lose, it only matters the He gains the glory.

Matters of the Heart, Matter

I have a confession.

I refer to a lot of verses as "Christian cliché". I will mentally roll my eyes at you when you quote these clichés to me. I will skim over them when reading my bible. I will virtually tune it out when I hear it because I know what your going to say, I've heard it 1000 times if not more.

This happened to me this morning.

We are going through a pretty intense series in my church all about over coming over whelming circumstances, like depression, anxiety, loneliness. It's only the second Sunday of the series and I've noticed I have a lot of "heart issues"

One of the major ones is the thought that I can't protect myself.  I lost my mom at the end of 2007 and I felt completely alone. That lead to me being in a severely abusive relationship for most of 2008. That abusive relationship taught me that I can't protect myself. I tried for months to protect myself but he won every time and eventually, I had to call in other people to protect me. Because I couldn't protect myself.

This causes me to freeze up when confronted. To over analyze every thing you say to me. And If your someone who matters to me, it's very easy to offend me and bring me to tears. Because I have learned, I can't stop you from hurting me.

I was trying to find a biblical way of over coming this issue and the first verse I was directed to was
Proverbs 4:23 "Above all else, guard your heart for from it flows the springs of life"

This is one of my "Christian cliché" verses. I tune it out, I roll my eyes at it, I skim over it. But today I had to look into it because it seems counter-productive. It just cant be true that this scripture is telling us to be self-defensive. Because that would lead us to keeping relationships shallow, holding everyone at an arms length, and not letting anyone really get to know our hearts. We know this isn't God's will for us. He wants us to bear each others burdens. To be loving and compassionate. To love others genuinely, which according to dictionary.com means "with all your heart". To serve and be of one body. So what does it really  mean to "guard your heart"?

When we refer to our "heart" in todays culture, we are not talking about the organ that pumps blood. We are referring to our emotions. But biblically speaking it has a much deeper definition.The Hebrew word for heart in Proverbs 4:23 is "lêbâb". It means "Inner Man". The totality of who we are. The words we speak flow out of our hearts (Matthew 12:34) The choices we make flow from our heart (John 1:12-13) And in salvation God takes our dead heart of stone, and gives us a new heart of flesh (Ezekiel 36:26). So guarding our hearts is really just being mindful of our thoughts and actions.

There is another verse that talks about guarding our hearts, but it doesn't refer to us doing it. "And the Peace of God which transcends understanding will guard your heart and mind in Christ Jesus"- Phillipians 4:7

So rather than us racking our brains trying to figure out how to protect ourselves, God has already provided that protection in his son Jesus.

The LORD is my strength and my shield; in him my heart trusts, and I am helped; my heart exults, and with my song I give thanks to him.  Psalm 28:7

I guard my heart by trusting God with all of it. By allowing him to be my shield and my strength when I'm feeling vulnerable. And by doing that, I can trust that I will be perfectly protected by Him.

Whatever your full of, you'll be led by.

Luke 4:1-2

And Jesus, full of the Holy Spirit, returned from the Jordan and was led by the Spirit in the wilderness ² for forty days, being tempted by the devil. And he ate nothing during those days. And when they were ended, he was hungry.

I heard a sermon on this verse the other day and I can’t get this one thought out of my head. I probably quote it to myself 30 times a day.

Jesus was full of the spirit, so it led him into the wilderness.

That must mean that whatever you are FULL of, you will be LED by.

For instance, if I’m full of un-forgiveness, I will be led into bitterness.

If I’m full of holding onto offenses, I will be led into destroying relationships.

If I’m full of discontentment, I will be led into making un-wise decisions.

But

If I’m full of what God says forgiveness is, I will be led into restoration.

If I’m full of who God thinks I am, I will be led into a place of security.

If I’m full of what God has done for me, I will be led into grace.

So, I have to ask myself. What is it that I’m being filled with and where is it leading me? Since beginning to really search this out and ask myself this, I’ve noticed more and more I need time to re-fill. And sometimes I have to un-load, un-pack, donate the junk I don’t want and then re-fill just to do it all over when I mess up again 2 minutes later. Because if I don’t fill up when I’m led somewhere, I will get hungry.

It isn't easy to re-fill. It takes time, and a lot of prayer. But I've noticed when I re-fill with things that God wants me to be full of, it doesn't matter if I end up hungry and in the wilderness, the enemy has no chance of getting to me.

Your coffee should be strong and your love should be genuine.

I firmly believe the first cup of coffee has the power to dictate how the rest of your day is going to go. So according to that theory my day was supposed to be weak and messy.

Matthew and I recently switched up the flavor of coffee we buy. We were "French roast" people but now we've moved up to "Black Silk" (yes, we buy Folgers. I'm a coffee sleeze not a coffee snob). But it's been a challenge trying to figure out how many "scoops" makes just the right cup of coffee. First day Matthew said it was too strong today it was too weak. I went to enjoy my hot, delicious cup of coffee and all I could taste was disappointment.

So instead of wasting a full pot, I decided to dust off the French press. That didn't go so well either, I won't bore you with details but lets just say I think I have coffee burns on my arms and my dog is acting especially energetic.

So, as if bad coffee wasn't enough then I spent 2 hours in a hot office where my boss wouldn't say a word to me until 11:55. A whole 5 minutes before I was supposed to clock out with a list of things for me to do. Then, once I came home it looked like my dog had tried to shed enough fur to clone a mini-her. The pile of laundry was staring at me with one of the 3 heads it's developed, you would think one of them would remind me to go get quarters, but it doesn't. There is a mystery leak in my sink that literally only appears when Matthew is not home, or asleep. Now that the laundry has judged me, the floor is mopped up, the dog hair is vacuumed and I'm finally done with my "to do" list from my boss, I look at the time and realize it's 12:50, I'm supposed to be somewhere at 1 and I'm still in yoga pants.

I was frustrated.

Then, my phone flashed reminding me that it had gone off 45 minutes ago and I hadn't taken the time to check it. I almost didn't, after all wasn't I supposed to go phone-less for a week for this exact reason? I'm so glad I did.

It was a text from my pastor, and it didn't say much. Just a few simple lines of encouragement.

But it totally changed my attitude. In the larger scheme of things it doesn't matter what my coffee tasted like, what chores did (or in this case, didn't) get done. What others expected from me. I could complain about my day until I'm blue in the face to someone and chances are, they won't care. Not because they're heartless but because it just doesn't matter. What does matter is to encourage them. To show sincerity. Romans 12:9-11 puts it this way "Let love be genuine. Abhor what is evil. Hold fast to what is good. Love one another with brotherly affection. Outdoing one another in showing honor. Do not be slothful in zeal, be fervent in spirit serving the Lord"

That text was genuine. It did show honor. It reminded me of what is good but most importantly it reminded me of what actually matters. So I hope these words can encourage you to go out and encourage someone else because you never know what kind of "coffee" day their having. ;)

Gotta Start Somewhere

I don't like talking.

My husband is probably sitting at his desk laughing his tail off right now.

But really, I don't like talking. I don't know why but I've always loved the idea of blogging. (If you read that in Olaf the Snowman's voice, we will get along just fine ;)) But, I never really thought it was something I would do because the blogs I love reading are from people who have a lot to say, and who usually talk for a living.

I might not be a mother, long time wife, perfect home-maker or a professional.... anything.

But I do have a heart to reach out people. I have a heart to share struggles with other people, to be vulnerable. But in order to do that I have to practice it.

So my hope in this new blog journey is that we can figure it out together. That we can reach out to each other. That we can learn how to do life together.