I Don't Like Jerks

Can I be really honest with you?

I've been a bit of a jerk lately.

You may not have noticed. People close to me may not have even noticed, but I know God noticed.

I know I've been a jerk lately because today I could tell my patience with my husband was out- yes out, not low, not running thin, it was non-existent, and he wasn't even awake yet. Poor guy.

So instead of risking saying something unkind to him and putting him in a foul mood before church where he had to go and try to serve and worship and minister and do life with other people -- I just left. I went to the church and tried to pray and worship and be holy. But I couldn't. I couldn't find the words to say or the songs that fit my mood so I just cried and then when I realized someone else (the pastor of all people) was in the church with me I quickly pulled myself together and distracted myself with my good friend "Pinny" (Pinterest). There is where I noticed the root of my jerkiness.

My friend pinned an adorable diaper bag on her "Coming Soon" board. Any normal human's response to this would be "Aww that's so cute!" Unfortunately, and much to my shame, that wasn't my reaction. I got really mad at her and started tearing apart the bag she chose and even tearing apart HER. Luckily she loves me and is rediculously holy and not only has forgiven me but also found my jerkiness hilarious. Because that's the kind of friends the Lord has blessed me with.

But in that moment it all made sense. I was being a jerk because with every baby announcement, every pink frilly dress and heaven knows with every "pin" I have created a diaper-bag sized gap between me and God.

I read an article called "10 ways to not be a jerk" a couple days ago before I had really noticed my jerkiness but I remember a quote in there that stuck out to me. The list more or less was the difference between humility and pride, and while most of the list convicted me one thing on there broke me.

"Proud people are concerned with the consequences of their sin; humble people are grieved over the root cause of their sin"

My jerkiness was because of my pride, which ultimately came out of my insecurities which came from my attitude towards God for not giving us a child even though we have tried and prayed and drank all the gross tea we could handle.

When I ran to the church and hid my hurting from not only my husband but also my church family, I was being more concerned with the fear of them seeing my jerkiness than I was with anyone seeing my brokenness. I was more focused on the fact that I had given all the energy I had to my idol instead of giving all my praise to God. 

So am I saying that I have now mastered the art of humility? No.
Am I saying that I will never be a jerk again? Definitely not.
But am I saying I've repented and God has not only forgiven me, but also comforted me in this? Absolutley.