The Early Church and Fighting Like Siblings.

I’ve been a little okay, super frustrated lately.

I won’t go into detail really since most of my frustrations involve relationships with people that I love and respect mightily and it would absolutely break my heart if they misunderstood my frustrations. But, none-the-less I knew I had to address my frustrations somehow because other wise my flight instinct would kick in and before I knew it I would be somewhere lounging in a hammock in Colombia.

How do I know that? Well because the moment I realized I had to change something was when I started Googling the cost of living in Colombia immediately after mentally replaying all my relational frustrations and not being able to find a reasonable solution.

I knew I had to re-evaluate my plan of attack, because frankly though I've never personally visited, my friends make it sound like a fairly enjoyable place but I know myself well enough to know that I wouldn't last 10 minutes in Colombia. My tendency to get sort of bitchy when the thermostat reads anything over 70 mixed with my very rational fear of anything that crawls or has more legs than necessary are both very important factors and definite deal breakers to the whole "Move to Colombia" thing.

Thinking about my frustrations further, now with the hope of fleeing to Colombia squashed, I suddenly realized that Christians live under a fanciful notion that no one in the early church ever disagreed with another. I’m not picking on you, clearly my Google search history over the past couple of weeks would quickly suggest that I too live under the same fictional notion.

I often imagine the early apostles sitting in a circle cross legged, politely nibbling on communion bread, smiling and nodding as they discussed how to apply the teachings and stories of Jesus to their own lives. It's a pretty picture however I have no idea where it came from, because it certainly didn't originate from the epistles. No, the epistles would strongly suggest quite the opposite. They would tell us that anytime you take a large group of people from different ethnic, religious and socio-economic backgrounds, there is always going to be a bit of friction, maybe some frustration, and yes- even hurt feelings.

If there wasn't then I don’t think Paul would have ever had to urge the church in Ephesus to “Make every effort to keep the unity of the Spirit through the bond of peace” Then follow up on that statement with acknowledging that the church was made up of “Apostles, prophets, evangelists, pastors, and teachers so that the body of Christ may be built up until we all reach unity in the faith and in the knowledge of the Son of God and become mature, attaining to the whole measure of the fullness of Christ.”

So, basically what Paul was saying was that we’re not there yet. We’re still growing, and anytime there’s growth there is inevitably going to be growing pains. But instead of addressing the growing pains he simply urged them to love one another through the growing pains, because “then we will no longer be infants.. Instead speaking the truth in love we will grow to become in every respect the mature body of Him who is the head, that is, Christ. From him the whole body joined and held together by every supporting ligament, grows and builds itself up in love, as each part does it’s work."

I think Paul was onto something when he was writing those letters. He must have known that unity is not synonymous with uniformity.He also probably knew that we would eventually find a way to confuse the two.

He knew we weren't called to agree; we were called to love.

We’re not called to never have any differences; we’re just called to love.

We're not called to never have hurt feelings or misunderstandings; we're called to love. 

We’re not even called to get along all the time; we’re only called to love. 

So maybe differences and frustrations within the church and within relationships are not necessarily a sign of decay, but rather of growth and maturity.

With all of this in mind I will make a stronger effort to better cling onto Romans 14:19 and 12:18 as a personal mantra and make every effort to do what leads to peace and mutual edification and to live at peace with others as far as it depends on me. I will be devoted to the intentional act of respect and I will stop looking at these people who I love through the lens of frustration or of hurt feelings but rather through the eyes of Christ. I will remember that we are in every sense of the term brothers and sisters, which means we’re gonna annoy each other like them too, until the day of completion and that is perfectly fine.

All Things Considered

So before hitting the Blogosphere I kept a bunch of writings on an old computer. I thought it would be kind of fun to go back and post one of those old writings. It was probably a good idea in theory (I do have a lot of those) but then I came across a common problem as I was reading through them. I didn’t really agree with anything that I said in them. It didn’t even sound like something I’d say or think. 

This year has been a crazy year, we’ve changed churches, changed jobs, changed apartments, changed ministry goals, changed life goals, ultimately we’ve just changed. So naturally my writings and ideas have also changed. So I deleted all the old writings that I no longer agreed with. As I sat there deleting article after article I couldn’t help but think if in another year from now I’d be logging onto this Blog and deleting the posts on here I no longer agree with.

Then last night we had a great conversation with an amazing couple and we just were able to talk about life and ministry and all the things in between, and as we talked I was reminded of one of my favorite stories in the bible. It’s only recently became my favorite because I’ve noticed something about it that I’ve never quite caught before.

Acts 18:24-28
Meanwhile a Jew named Apollos. A native of Alexandria, came to Ephesus. He was a learned man with a thorough knowledge of the scriptures. He had been instructed in the way of the Lord, and taught about Jesus accurately, though he knew only the baptism of John. He began to speak boldly in the synagogue. When Priscilla and Aquilla heard him, they invited him to their home and explained the way of God more adequately. When Apollos wanted to go to Achaia the brothers encouraged him and wrote to the disciples there to welcome him. On arriving he was a great help to those who by grace had believed. For he vigorously refuted the Jews in public debate proving from the Scriptures that Jesus was the Christ.

So it says that Apollos only preached what he knew, until Priscilla and Aquilla came to him and explained the way of God more adequately. But check out what it doesn’t say. It doesn’t say that Priscilla and Aquilla then go on to call him a false teacher, or publicly humiliate him in front of those he just preached to. It also never says that Apollos was embarrassed, or hung his head in shame, or went back and retracted what he said when he preached. He had no reason to, because he didn’t mislead anyone, he didn’t twist scripture. He didn’t do anything wrong, he just simply had limited knowledge. 

I like this passage a lot because it reminds me that it as long as I’m doing my part and telling you what I know about scripture, and doing it with reverence to Him, I have no reason to go back and delete or edit what I’ve said. Something in the conversation with this couple really stuck out to me, we were talking about teaching the Word and that we can’t control how others take what we said. That not everyone is going to agree and most importantly that not everyone is going to hear what we‘re trying to get across. Our only responsibility is to rightly divide the word, teach the context accurately and give true application. Past that I can’t control what you take from it.

I think Apollos and his friends had it figured out. So I’ll keep writing even though some of you, maybe even myself given enough time, might disagree. You might even take what I say out of context and twist it. But that’s okay, I still won’t go back and delete any posts. See here’s the thing, I don’t write to impress you. I don’t do it so that you’ll compliment me. I don’t care about that. I care about encouraging others with my limited knowledge. So I‘ll do just that. But I won’t spoon feed you anything. Because for one, I am not your Mama, and 2. Chances are good if I do I’ll have to go back and make you regurgitate all the misguided crap I fed you, and trust me that won’t be fun for either of us. So I’ll do my part and make sure I am rightly presenting the Word, you do your part and read the scripture for yourself.

Like I said, the Christian life is a process, but I think we can make it easier on ourselves if we just agree to be in it together. As brothers and sisters. Walk alongside each other as our finite brains try to understand an infinite God. As we go build each other up, and if one falls, be the first one to help him. Because you see, iron will indeed sharpen iron, if you let it.

Pinterest and the Perfect Christian Life

So, I have a confession.

I love Pinterest. You're shocked, I can tell. But I do. I love thinking that one of these days I will have a spotless pottery barn inspired home filled with furniture that I built all by myself using only items found at the dollar tree, oh and pallets of course... can’t forget pallets! I get excited thinking of all the inches I’ll shred with every kale and spinach filled diet I find. I think it’s a ton of fun to count up all the dollars we’ll save when I finally learn how to coupon my way to a freezer full of a years worth of supper all from my one time $100 dollar run to Costco. Like I said, I love Pinterest.

But, as the story goes, every rose has it’s thorns.

As I sat there pinning my little heart out this morning, I slowly found myself going on a tiny little guilt trip.

I don’t have a pottery barn inspired- anything. I don’t eat and breathe kale. I've used coupons once, and I did it wrong and made the clerk lady regret not taking the job at staples. She said that. I mean she said it with her glare, but still said it none the less. Oh and those freezer meals and thrifty run to Costco? Sorry, my freezer is way too full of Eggo waffles and ice cream to fit any of your 200 calorie frozen masterpieces. I don’t have a Costco card but the one time I borrowed my friends and went by myself- I spent 150 dollars, and we still somehow didn't have any groceries. We had tons of chocolate covered acai berries, and a beautiful dog bed that Sophie refuses to even pretend to like. Maybe a couple other snacks were thrown in there I’m sure, but no actual, real food. Certainly no kale. 

Do you think I pinned or instagrammed any of that? Nope. Let’s be honest I move the pile of folded laundry out from under the dog before snapping a picture of her for my fellow instagramming friends.  And if there is a filter that makes my couch look cleaner, you bet I'll use it. Can you "facetune" your couch? If you can I'll be all over that.

We only instagram and pin our success, not our failures.

It doesn't bother me so much as far as the social media world goes. I don’t really care how clean your house is, what you had for dinner, or how perfect that one DIY project turned out. Pin away my friends. But more often than not it doesn't stop there. We bring this perfectly staged instagrammed self to Church. 

Stay with me, because I do it too. But what if, just one time- when someone asks us how our week went- instead of saying “Oh, it was so blessed” we said “I have a ton of garbage this week I tried to carry it out myself but it‘s too stinky, too messy and too gross. I have no clue how I’m going to get myself together, I need your help.” 

I know it seems scary. Because if you went to a church like the one I went to, they gave you a formula for your testimony. You told about the valley (your past), the climb, (when you trusted Jesus) and then described your mountain top. (the victory and delivery over your past). And that’s where it ended. It was a good formula and helped me get through the first time telling my testimony in front of people. 

But what if you’re a Christian, and you’re still in the valley?

Maybe not still in the valley, because let’s be honest your first experience with a Love that conquers all, or the first time you finally understood how scandalous Grace is; you were on the top of the Mountain and never thought you could come down.

But, you do. Life’s stinkin’ hard. Even the Christian life. Storms will come and the wind from them will more than likely knock you on your butt.

I think one of the most important lessons I've learned as a Christian is that there are things about the valley that He can't teach you from the mountain top. Follow Him there anyways, because He will never leave you in the valley. He just wants to show you something down there. It will help you appreciate the mountain, I promise.

Oh, but we have convinced ourselves that it’s better to just play church with each other, and go about the day like everything is hunky dory. No, being real is hard so lets just all put on our “we've got this mask”, and proceed to pin the perfect Christian life. Let’s forget about true, genuine relationships. Let’s forget about all the people who feel defeated and hopeless week after week watching your cookie cutter Christian life fall perfectly into place, and by all means let’s just fake it. Then go home and pray to God that some how, some day, we make it.

I‘m sorry, but I’m sick and tired of it. I’m done. I don’t want to play church. I don’t want one more person going home from church feeling less than, I don’t want one more person feeling like they should just give up because they’ll never be that cookie cutter Christian. I certainly don’t want anyone to leave the church because they just can’t keep up with the fake facades. 

I’m not going to present Jesus like he’s a box of chocolates wrapped with a perfect little bow. I’m going to share hope, but I’m also going to share struggle. There is hope and victory in this Christian walk, but there is also heartbreak, valleys, sin, and struggle. I think more people would be drawn to a Jesus who suffered for us than a Jesus who never knew struggle. The bible doesn't just tell the story of Jesus being born, his perfect life, and then skip right to the victory of him defeating death. No, it also includes the part where he was battered and bruised. It tells us he was vulnerable. It says He wept. So, from now on, that’s the example I’m going to follow. I hope you’ll join me. 

Romans 5:3-5
Not only that, but we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance,  and endurance produces character, and character produces hope,  and hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us.

Did you catch that? Suffering leads to hope. And hope will not put us to shame.

So I got corrected... sorta.

Remember those few women I told you about who I feel are responsible for much of my Christian walk just by being awesome?  Well, apparently not only are they super awesome but they also tend to be right about things, and also don’t mind telling me when I’m wrong about things. Believe it or not, I really like that about them.

So a few other conversations have taken place over the last couple of weeks to really get me thinking about my “Calling”. I feel like my calling is my Christian equivalence to my college major-in that it continually changes.

A while ago I thought it was my “calling” to disciple teenage girls, to speak into their lives and stop insecurity in its tracks so that they never fall victim to the oppression and guilt of giving away too much of themselves, or worse.

But later I found out that that’s kind of everyone’s calling. It is just part of being an adult, you have to impart your wisdom on the youth and give them better tools than you were given so that they can go farther than you. It’s not a job for one person; Jesus was very specific on how he wants everyone to treat the children.

Then about a year ago, I thought it was my calling to go to Colombia. Maybe even move there. Be a “full time missionary” (another one of the many christian terms the church should stop using) and do awesome things for God and spend my day in the tropics showing orphans the love of Christ, maybe adopt one or two, or 15.

Yet again I learned that’s kind of everyone’s calling. Not so much Colombia but the loving orphans thing. Jesus was also specific about that- and I don’t know if you noticed but we have a couple orphans here. Not just America here, like Astoria here.

So usually this is where I’d sit down and reconsider what I wanted my calling to be. I’d probably choose something else that seemed fun and easy and also involved warmer weather. But instead, I was approached by several different people- all of who don’t know each other by the way- telling me what they thought I was supposed to do with my ability to string words together. I mean, each one differed slightly in the capacity of what they had in mind but they all had one thing in common; speaking.  Like, in front of people and stuff.

Um, excuse me while I go pee my pants.

So, I told my friend about this and voiced to her my insecurities. Although I didn’t phrase them like insecurities; no, more like facts. Cold hard evidence as to why I should never speak in front of people.

“I’m not good at speaking, not only am I not good at it but I don’t like it”

“There are other people who are WAY better at it; really they should be the ones up there. People would listen to them”

“I have no right to tell women who have YEARS on me anything bible related, they should be teaching me”

“What if someone asked me a question, like about the Old Testament? I’d look like an idiot!”

I personally thought I had quite the case against the whole me speaking thing. She, however respectfully disagreed.  (I bet you didn’t see that coming, did ya?)

This is the“reader’s digest” of why she disagreed with my ever so persuasive facts.

 “Erin, remember when you came to me after Matt had proposed asking me all about marriage?”

I didn’t actually remember this conversation but she is pretty smart and good at being married so it sounded like something I would do.

“What if I told you not to marry Matt, and my reasons were:

You’re probably not very good at being married, somebody else might be better.

You might not like being married.

You have no right to get married! There are other couples out there who know way more about marriage- Let them get married!

Someone might ask you a question about marriage, and then you’d look like a real idiot!

Those would be pretty stupid reasons not to do it, wouldn’t they?”

Like I said, she’s pretty smart.

She went on to quote stories like that in Exodus 6 and Jeremiah 1. To remind me that bringing God glory is so much better than merely being good at something.

So did her little pep talk completely change my attitude? Not really.
Do I now feel an overwhelming urge to get up and talk to a bunch of people? Nope.

 But this is what I do know;

'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore, I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong."---(2 Corinthians 12:9-10)

I'm ashamed.

So I ordered a T-shirt from “Voice of the Martyrs” yesterday, if you don't know what that is visit www.persecution.com and learn about it. But as I read more about the organization and what they are up against and what a day in their walk with God looks like vs. what ours does, I couldn't help but feel ashamed. 

I’m ashamed that we complain about our level of comfort, while our brothers fight for their life for Christ’s name.

I’m ashamed of not taking the Bible more seriously when it told us this would happen.

I’m ashamed of the T-shirts, and the bumper stickers, and the fog machines, and the light shows, and the praise we look for in it all.

I’m ashamed that the Church has become the scariest place to “come out“, instead of the safest.

I’m ashamed that we are so quick to speak and so slow to listen.

I'm ashamed that instead of sitting at his feet, we're demanding to be recognized.

I’m ashamed of judging those I've deemed judgmental.

I’m ashamed that we've reduced the bible down to nothing more than a position paper, using it either for this, or against that.

I’m ashamed by our lack of love.

I’m ashamed of our failure to serve.

I’m ashamed that we live for those “convicting” sermons, but then never let them change us.

I’m ashamed at our selfishness and penny pinching, giving to Caesar what’s Caesars but giving that which is God’s to our own bank accounts, being more faithful to our 401k‘s than to the God who provided them.

I’m ashamed at how we can stumble through the day without prayer.

I’m ashamed that we complain about our government, flawed as it might be we’re not being persecuted by it. I’m ashamed that we’re not more grateful for that.

I’m ashamed that we’re not more grateful, period. 

I’m ashamed that we think tweeting a scripture or two is a reasonable response to the great commission.

But, I’m not ashamed of the Gospel.

I’m not ashamed of the scandalous news first spoken by a Palestinian teenager, whose willingness to be used by God shattered the proud and lifted up the humble.

I’m not ashamed of the Carpenter who soon became known for his counter-cultural ways and long stories. Who restored sight to the blind, life to the dead and mercy to the undeserving.

I’m not ashamed of his crazy clan of tax-collectors and zealots.

I’m not ashamed of the prostitutes he made friends with, or his challenges to the religious.

I'm not ashamed of a rescuing Grace that dries my tears with hope.

I’m not ashamed of His backwards reality that calls the poor privileged, blessed, full while calling the rich cursed.

I’m not ashamed of the good news that we don’t have to wait around for the right Political leaders, or a better government because there is a Kingdom growing in and around us, who welcomes all to the table.

I’m not ashamed of the refreshing truth that Jesus is Lord, and Caesar is not.

I’m not ashamed that when God walked among us he rode a donkey, not a war horse. That he defended the defenseless, laughed with the children, cracked jokes about religion, obeyed his mom, forgave his enemies, and loved his neighbor.

I’m not ashamed of the great witnesses on the path alongside of me, making meals, giving rides, showing compassion, leading by example, loving well, teaching children, serving faithfully, those who work hard and fail sometimes, all because of the Grace they've been given and the overwhelming need to share the story that sets both the oppressed and oppressors free.

I’m not ashamed of the Church, she is a survivor. The stubborn bride she is, a work in progress to say the least but they say not even the gates of hell will be able to prevail against her, so I guess we should stop hedging bets.

I’m not ashamed of the One who died for all of it, and by doing that liberated us of our need to be ashamed.

There's a place for you at the table

So this actually isn’t what I was going to write about today, but I was going through some old journals and sermon notes and I came across a page that just said;

2 Samuel 9:3-5 – Blessing someone can turn bitter things, into beautiful things.

That caught my attention. Now, granted it probably was the start of a Rich Wilkerson Jr podcast that I forgot to finish, since it’s not exactly common for me to willingly read an Old Testament story much less like, understand it. So I decided to go back and actually read 2 Samuel 9.

Here’s what it says:

 David asked, "Is there anyone remaining from Saul's family I can show kindness to because of Jonathan?" There was a servant of Saul's family named Ziba. They summoned him to David, and the king said to him, "Are you Ziba?" "[I am] your servant," he replied.  So the king asked, "Is there anyone left of Saul's family I can show the kindness of God to?" Ziba said to the king, "There is still Jonathan's son who is lame in both feet."  The king asked him, "Where is he?" Ziba answered the king, "You'll find him in Lo-debar at the house of Machir son of Ammiel." So King David had him brought from the house of Machir son of Ammiel in Lo-debar.  Mephibosheth son of Jonathan son of Saul came to David, bowed down to the ground and paid homage. David said, "Mephibosheth!" "I am your servant," he replied.  "Don't be afraid," David said to him, "since I intend to show you kindness because of your father Jonathan. I will restore to you all your grandfather Saul's fields, and you will always eat meals at my table." Mephibosheth bowed down and said, "What is your servant that you take an interest in a dead dog like me?" (2 Samuel 9:1-9 HCSB)

Okay so here it says that Mephibosheth was lame in both feet, but it never tells you what happened to him to make him lame in both feet. So like any super holy, well rounded, bible knowledge seeker does, I googled it.

“2 Samuel 4:4- Saul's son Jonathan had a son whose feet were crippled. He was five years old when the report about Saul and Jonathan came from Jezreel. His nurse picked him up and fled, but as she was hurrying to flee, he fell and became lame. His name was Mephibosheth .  

Thanks google.

So here is what we know about Mephibosheth:

-He was destined to be King, but because someone else messed up, he lost that destiny.
-He literally lives in a land that name means “Pasture-less”, “Dead Land”, “Dried Up”, “Discontent”

-He was crippled in both feet, because someone else failed him.

I think the coolest part of this story is David’s response to Mephy by saying he always has a place at his table, and by bringing him out of Lo-Debar and restoring to him all he had lost what David is actually saying is “What they did TO you has nothing to do with what I want to do FOR you.” So many times in our lives we blame the short-falls of others in our lives for not fulfilling our calling. But we have a King who doesn’t even acknowledge what’s been done to us, all He says is “Go get them, and bring them to me. They have a place in my palace and my kingdom, always”.

This story was probably a good one for me to read as far as Old Testament goes because 1. It doesn’t involve poop coming out of anyone’s belly button and 2. It is the Gospel personified.

I Don't Like Jerks

Can I be really honest with you?

I've been a bit of a jerk lately.

You may not have noticed. People close to me may not have even noticed, but I know God noticed.

I know I've been a jerk lately because today I could tell my patience with my husband was out- yes out, not low, not running thin, it was non-existent, and he wasn't even awake yet. Poor guy.

So instead of risking saying something unkind to him and putting him in a foul mood before church where he had to go and try to serve and worship and minister and do life with other people -- I just left. I went to the church and tried to pray and worship and be holy. But I couldn't. I couldn't find the words to say or the songs that fit my mood so I just cried and then when I realized someone else (the pastor of all people) was in the church with me I quickly pulled myself together and distracted myself with my good friend "Pinny" (Pinterest). There is where I noticed the root of my jerkiness.

My friend pinned an adorable diaper bag on her "Coming Soon" board. Any normal human's response to this would be "Aww that's so cute!" Unfortunately, and much to my shame, that wasn't my reaction. I got really mad at her and started tearing apart the bag she chose and even tearing apart HER. Luckily she loves me and is rediculously holy and not only has forgiven me but also found my jerkiness hilarious. Because that's the kind of friends the Lord has blessed me with.

But in that moment it all made sense. I was being a jerk because with every baby announcement, every pink frilly dress and heaven knows with every "pin" I have created a diaper-bag sized gap between me and God.

I read an article called "10 ways to not be a jerk" a couple days ago before I had really noticed my jerkiness but I remember a quote in there that stuck out to me. The list more or less was the difference between humility and pride, and while most of the list convicted me one thing on there broke me.

"Proud people are concerned with the consequences of their sin; humble people are grieved over the root cause of their sin"

My jerkiness was because of my pride, which ultimately came out of my insecurities which came from my attitude towards God for not giving us a child even though we have tried and prayed and drank all the gross tea we could handle.

When I ran to the church and hid my hurting from not only my husband but also my church family, I was being more concerned with the fear of them seeing my jerkiness than I was with anyone seeing my brokenness. I was more focused on the fact that I had given all the energy I had to my idol instead of giving all my praise to God. 

So am I saying that I have now mastered the art of humility? No.
Am I saying that I will never be a jerk again? Definitely not.
But am I saying I've repented and God has not only forgiven me, but also comforted me in this? Absolutley.

Church isn't ever going to be easy.

First things first, my church family is amazing. Actually, I'm even going to be a little Pentecostal and say it’s glorious. What I mean by that is it's the first time in my Christian walk I’m seeing God show his Glory by allowing me to see others the way he see's them. It's not perfect, but it is the body of Christ expressing itself through people who are committed to loving, serving, worshiping and ministering with other people. With everything that is in me, I desperately want this to be how every Christian feels about the church family God has given them.

With that said, I still don’t like church. I am an introvert, and like any good introvert I avoid people. Naturally, I don’t try to. I just need space, and a lot of it. So church, a place where you can’t really avoid people, is difficult for me to genuinely enjoy. I don't like admitting that but I was faced with it  when I woke up last Sunday morning and didn’t want to go. I had no reason not to want to go, I love my church, I love the people in it, I love hearing how God speaks to my pastor, but I still didn’t want to go. So as I sat there pondering why that is and asking God why church has to be so hard I suddenly realized that there are obvious reasons why church is hard.

Church is hard because it’s made up of people.

Church is hard because like family, you can’t really pick the church. You can pick which particular building you go to- sure, but the body as a whole? No.

Church is hard because people are messy. Family is messy.

Church is hard because it forces us to be close to others, even when it's uncomfortable.

Church is hard not because God made a mistake in choosing us, but because we make mistakes.

Church is hard because we are the church, and in case you haven't noticed, we’re pretty screwed up.

I don’t think it’s a coincidence that the majority of letters in the New Testament are written to churches who are dealing with hard issues.  It’s written to people and churches who are screwed up. In Paul’s letter to Corinth he is not congratulating them on how well they are doing and how awesome they are, instead he’s writing to them saying “Hey, you know that guy who’s sleeping with his Dad’s wife? Uh, get rid of him” (1 Corinthians 5:1-2)

Church, comprised of people, is God’s plan A, and He's made it clear that there is no plan B.

God chooses to display himself through the broken, lowly, messy people that make up the church, and not only that but He knows we are broken, lowly and messy and still chooses to call us His bride. How foolish for me to question and even fight against how God chooses to display his glory.

So while being in a crowd of people may never be easy for me I can at least say this, when I bite the bullet and go to church even when it’s hard  I know that I'm not having to do it because God isn’t caring about what I care about, I'm doing it because I’m caring about what He cares about. And as long as I remember that, I can be comfortable anywhere.

(photo from flickr.com)

Listen carefully.

“The only time you fail is the first time you stop trying”

I can’t tell you how many times I heard my mom say this to me.

I wished she was there to say it to me the other night. As I sat on my couch mindlessly scrolling facebook I came across a friend’s post that broke me. I took a risk and reached out to her. I told her about the series my church is going through all about overcoming overwhelming circumstances. I had already typed out directions to the church because I was so sure I had worded everything just right and she was going to be over joyed at the opportunity to hear someone speak encouragement in such a dark time in her life. Apparently, I was wrong. Obviously I hadn’t done such a great job because this was her response, “thanks, maybe I’ll think about visiting when I’m not so overwhelmed”

Okay, I complain that people don’t listen to me quite a bit but, seriously? I just told her that this was her ticket to not feeling overwhelmed. I gave her the opportunity to overcome being overwhelmed. When someone is sick do they say “Wow, I’m really sick.  I should go to the doctor when I’m feeling better”? No. They don’t, because that doesn’t make any sense.

I was frustrated. I started tearing myself apart. I’m just not good at talking to people about church, I probably should hold back because I don’t want people to think that my church is full of pushers. I’m really bad at wording things, I should have had Matt (who she doesn’t know by the way) talk to her. He is really good at that kind of stuff. I’m just going to mind my own business from now on.

I wanted to never reach out to someone hurting again. I wanted to protect myself from ever feeling rejected and ignored again so I decided that it must just not be my “gift”. I decided that I was going to let people who are really good at talking, do the talking. That if God wanted to say something to this person, he would have obviously used someone better.  

Then quieter than a whisper a thought popped into my head, it was quiet but it was clear. It said “That’s not My voice”.

It seems silly, but it was huge. It was a huge reminder.

It reminded me that like Paul, If I try to please man, I’m no servant of Christ.

It reminded me that Jesus also knows a little about rejection.

It also reminded me that, it’s not about me.

In that moment, in that still small voice, I found so much comfort. Actually I found more than comfort, I found freedom. I didn’t have to believe the lies the enemy tries over and over to convince me of. I didn’t have to listen to myself tear myself down. I just have to listen carefully for His voice .

After a couple moments of prayer, I couldn’t even hear the thoughts of failure. All I could hear were the truths that came from listening to His voice.

Later that night, I grieved over this person and what had been lost, but I also felt hopeful because I knew that God wasn’t done here. He wasn’t done with this person and their situation, and he wasn’t done with me. Rejection hurts, but it doesn’t mean you’ve failed.

We have a problem.

 “Believe what you want. These walls are funny. First you hate 'em, then you get used to 'em. Enough time passes and before ya know it, you depend on 'em.’”

Those who know me are shocked that I would start anything out with a movie quote. But this is a quote that’s always stuck with me. It’s from the movie “Shawshank redemption”. It’s a story of a man who spent so much time in prison that when he finally got out and lived in freedom, he took his own life because he only knew how to live in bondage. He was afraid of life outside the prison walls.

If fear can do that to a person, we've got a serious problem.

From the very beginning of the bible to the end, in minor tribulations and seemingly impossible crisis, God commands us “Do not fear”.

"Do not be afraid, Abram. I am your shield, your very great reward." (Genesis 15:1,)

The LORD said to Moses "Do not be afraid of him, for I have handed him over to you, with his whole army and his land…" (Numbers 21:34)

The LORD said to Joshua "Do not be afraid of them; I have given them into your hand. Not one of them will be able to withstand you." (Joshua 10:8)

Hearing this, Jesus said to Jairus, "Don't be afraid; just believe, and she will be healed." (Luke 8:50)

One night the Lord spoke to Paul in a vision: "Do not be afraid; keep on speaking, do not be silent." (Acts 18:9)

When I saw him, I fell at his feet as though dead. Then he placed his right hand on me and said: "Do not be afraid. I am the First and the Last." (Revelation 1:17)

So not only is living in a prison of fear unhealthy, it’s sin.

I think the biggest problem Christians today have with fear is that we disguise it as wisdom. We tell ourselves that it’s normal to be reserved in relationships. It's okay to not be generous or to hold back from serving others because it’s what’s “best” for us in this particular season. We think by doing that we are acting in wisdom, but that's just not true.

When I hold back from being vulnerable and open in a relationship I may think I’m “guarding my heart” or doing what’s best for me but what I’m really saying is “God, I don’t trust that you can use my weaknesses to strengthen this friendship”

When I stop myself from giving above and beyond I might think I’m being careful and a good steward of my finances but what I’m really saying is “God, I think I have a better way to spend this”

When I refuse to serve God or others I might think I’m looking out for my well-being and using my energy wisely but what my actions are really saying is “God, the talents you’ve given me aren’t good enough to actually put to use”.

When I say “I’m afraid of large groups” or “I’m afraid of letting someone get too close” or “I’m afraid of admitting my weakness” God is saying, “But I didn’t put that on you”. (2 Timothy 2:17)

I’m not just talking to you, I’m talking to me. I’ve been one to live in a prison of fear and get comfortable and even depend on the false safety that prison offered. Have you ever tried to control your fears? It’s like trying to hold a ball under water, no matter how long you fight, no matter which angle you come from sooner or later that ball will pop back up.

Over time certain circumstances,situations and emotions have taught us to rely on our own “fear habits”. Fear habits can be any decision or thought that isn’t grounded in faith. For instance, the habit of not opening up to others, the habit of putting ourselves first, the habit of doubting people’s hearts and intentions. You get the idea.

The fact of the matter is that fear is a strong emotion, it’s a strong problem. But we must understand that we have a stronger God.

We can only overcome fear but cultivating a culture of faith.

I’m still learning how to do this myself, but I think the first step is to decide that you will no longer believe the lie that fear can keep you safe, and instead believe that faith can set you free.

Choosing to base our actions out of faith instead of fear isn't saying we will always be perfectly protected but it is saying we have a Perfect Protector.

There's no half-way house here.

There’s a book I really want to read, but by the time I get slightly into it every time I’m too uncomfortable to continue reading. It’s a little hard to swallow.

It’s about following Jesus.

That’s it. It’s a “self-help” book if you will about how to follow Him, completely. It’s called “Follow Me” by David Platt; here’s a little excerpt from it to help you understand why it hits me where it hurts.

“…With good intentions and sincere desires to reach as many people as possible for Jesus, we have subtly and deceptively minimized the magnitude of what it means to follow him. We’ve replaced challenging words from Christ with trite phrases in the church. We’ve taken the lifeblood out of Christianity and put Kool-Aid in its place so that it tastes better to the crowds, and the consequences are catastrophic. Multitudes of men and women at this moment think that they are saved from their sins when they are not. Scores of people around the world culturally think that they are Christians when biblically they are not.”

Ouch.

Recently I met with a friend over coffee and she told me a funny story about her 3 charming little boys. She was telling them about the tough topic of Christians getting persecuted and the reality behind it. She told them of a country where these persecutors go door to door asking if you’re a Christian, if you say yes you lose your life.  She asked each one of her boys what they think they would do in the event that someone did this to them.

Samuel, the oldest responded “I’d confess to loving Jesus and let him shoot me; it’d be okay because I’d be with Jesus in heaven”

Benjamin, the middle boy firmly stated that he would knock that guy down, take his gun point it back at him and demand that he needs to love Jesus too.

Then, there’s Solomon. Solomon said he would tell the guy he didn’t love Jesus, but as the man turned to walk away he would say “I really love Jesus” under his breath.

It’s a pretty cute story but it really made me think. What would I do? For a moment I imagined myself being as courageous and hard core as Benjamin and winning the guy to Christ with my mad fighting skills. Then I remembered I’m 5’1 and have never actually learned any “take down” moves. Plus I’ve never held a gun so, there would be that complication. Maybe I’d be Samuel, I’d stand up for Christ and leave a legacy of faith. I would be known throughout our town for my boldness to proclaim Jesus and it would lead thousands to Him. But the more I thought about it, the more I realized…. I would be Solomon.

When I’m talking to my friends who don’t know Jesus and they briefly bring up religion, I usually just listen to their views, I might mention that I go to church but then as we walk away I whisper in my heart “I really love Jesus”.

When I see a friend falling away from the church and falling into sin I tell them I love them and I’m here for them. But I don’t quote the scriptures that they need to hear, I don’t offer to in that moment pray with them. I give them a quick hug and then as they walk away I comfort myself by reminding myself that “I really love Jesus”.

I can't say I have too many "Benjamin" type moments. I occasionally have "Samuel" moments in my life, but more often than not, my response  to God's call to follow Him is one out of fear and uncertainty.

I started this blog because I’m on a personal journey to fulfil the higher calling of Christianity. I realized a lack of motivation and honesty in my faith. I’ve subconsciously belittled salvation down to an intellectual assent. If I were to compare it to something, I would say I have been living in a half-way house. You know, those places you go to feel just safe enough before getting out on your own two feet. I’m not saying half-way houses are bad places, but there aren’t any in Christianity. We are called to leave our comfort zones, to leave what we our idea of safety and the work we think we should do in order to fulfill His work, and His Kingdom. We are called to surrender our own desires, our own securities for Him. There’s a song, called “Called Me Higher”. It's the reason my blog link is "called-me-higher" and it goes like this;

And I could hold on
I could hold on to who I am and never let You
Change me from the inside
And I could be safe
I could be safe here in Your arms and never leave home
Never let these walls down

But You have called me higher
You have called me deeper
And I'll go where You will lead me Lord
You have called me higher
You have called me deeper
And I'll go where You lead me Lord
Where You lead me
Where You lead me Lord

That is the ultimate cry of my heart. I want to go higher, and deeper and farther for Jesus. I want to follow him so closely that my only response to any situation is more like Samuels. It doesn’t matter what happens, what I lose, it only matters the He gains the glory.