The commonly misunderstood "Proverbs 31" woman and why I don't like her.

Today I want to talk about my two favorite people... Men and Women.

Originally when I started this blog, I solemnly swore to myself that I was to at all costs, avoid this topic to avoid controversy and ultimately avoid the possibility to have someone disagree with me publically on the World Wide Web. So what changed my mind you might ask? Who knows, maybe it’s the excessive amount of caffeine I’ve had today, or the confidence that’s been spoken into me lately, or maybe just a healthy mixture of the two. Either way, I’ve recently decided that I don’t care if you disagree. Actually, I welcome it.

I had a conversation with a woman the other day. This lady is bright, funny, beautiful, and recently found a genuine love for the Lord. She is a single mother of several grown children and is now discovering a new season of her life where she wants to re-enter the dating world.

She started talking about this man she is seeing and some of the flaws she is learning about him. Long story short, she basically thinks he is controlling, overbearing, slightly creepy, a tad stalker-ish, demeaning, and disrespectful of her and her ability to make her own choices. Sounds like a real winner. Then she made a comment about the struggle of wanting a “Godly-man” but isn’t into the whole “being submissive” thing. It’s just not her style. She joked that the “proverbs 31” wife died in the 50’s. Then she stated that God didn't create her to be "virtuous" he created her to be independent, strong-willed, loud and untamed. She had made it “too far on her own to be told what to do”.

I could spend a whole other post talking about this “Godly-Man” she’s found, who apparently is so godly that he doesn’t need to read the bible anymore, because he has every verse memorized and also doesn’t need a church body because he’s holy enough to only need time with Jesus. But for time, and frankly my blood pressures sake, I’ll just focus on her.

The sad truth is that this strong woman is going through life believing the identity the world has spoken over her instead of cultivating the true person God created her to be.

I asked her what she thought “being submissive” means, she said it’s being controlled. I asked her if she believed that women are to submit to their husbands. She said, yes, as long as he’s submitting to the Lord. That’s what scripture says, after all.

I looked up the verse she was referring to right there; Ephesians 5:22 “Wives, submit to your husbands as unto the Lord”. The amplified version actually says it better; “Wives, place yourselves under your husbands' authority in the same way YOU have placed YOURSELVES under the Lord's authority”

I’m not only supposed to submit to my husband IF he’s submitting to the Lord, because that’s not my judgment to make. If he leads our family against God’s will, that’s his problem. Not to sound harsh, but he is the one who has to answer for it. Obviously I’m not talking about blatant sin, if he tells me to go kill a guy for money…. I’m going to have to politely decline, and then probably call the police. I’m talking about in day to day situations where he is following what he believes to be God’s will for our family.

I then asked her if she thought the husband should lead the household. She said, “absolutely, if he’s better at it. But usually women are better at making decisions.”

It was obvious that she was oblivious. She was so caught up in the comfort of the lies she’s convinced herself of that she wasn’t going to hear any sound biblical correction. One thing I’m good at is knowing when to shut up. Actually, I take that back. I’m not very good at it at all so I usually just remain shut-up’ed. Either way you want to look at it, I quit casting my pearls before swine.

I want to share with you some of the ways my husband leads me, in hopes that if you have the unfortunate misunderstandings that this lady has that it can help you see that being lead isn’t “being controlled” and it’s actually not at all what the world will try to tell you it is.

He is undoubtedly, every time, without question the first to apologize, even if I was in the wrong. He is the first to seek reconciliation.

He has never once raised his voice to me.

He tells me, and then shows me, that our marriage is his number one ministry

He knows when to be firm with me without ever demeaning me, fathering me, or patronizing me.

He never speaks poorly of me.

He never speaks poorly of our marriage.

He never speaks poorly of marriage in general.

He attempts every single day to love me as Christ loves the church

He makes decisions with me and in prayer, not as some rogue agent.

He does not lead from a place of self-satisfaction or self-exaltation, but from a place of self-sacrifice.

He is almost always annoyingly patient and unbelievably kind.

He makes me feel safe and protected.

He never accuses me or brings up old wrongs.

He tells me he loves me again and again, and again, and again, and then again. (It's like he knows my love language is words of affirmation or something.)

He represents Christ’s love as best as he can and if he feels as though he’s fallen short he seeks forgiveness immediately.

I know it may sound like I’m bragging (and I might be a little bit) but I’m not at all saying my husband is perfect. Or that he makes perfect decisions every single time, because that's just not true. Okay, so the only times he really hasn’t made great decisions is the times he decided to let me make decisions, but that’s a different story. Anyways, he’s not perfect but he was created perfectly for me.

I want with everything that’s in me to break this feministic idea that women are weak if they are submissive, and that men are controlling if they take the lead.

Did you know that in Proverbs 31 where it talks about the “Virtuous wife, who can find?” The word “virtuous” that’s used there is actually the Hebrew word “Chayil” and that that particular verse is one of the only times it’s translated as “Virtuous”? Almost every other time it’s used it’s translated as Army (54 times) or Valor (37 times) or Might (21 times). In almost every other verse that it is used in it's associated with the strength one needs for battle. So this idea that women have to be weak, walked all over, church mice is not only annoying, it’s unbiblical.

Sure “Virtue” or “Moral Purity” as it’s defined, is important for character. But I think what the young Lemuel's mom is telling him to look for is a woman strong enough to go through all of life's battles with. What loving mother would tell her son to find a wife like the weak annoying doormat some well-meaning, but still incorrect, Christians created the “proverbs 31” wife to be?

I wasn’t able to change her mind; actually I wouldn’t really be surprised if she didn’t hear a word I said. I saw her eyes glaze over as soon as I pointed out what scripture actually says. Still, my prayer is that through the few words she might have heard of mine I planted a tiny seed of hope in her that she can still be this strong woman she is confident of AND still be deserving of a God inspired, Christ honoring, relationship.